As I write this down, my firstborn is next to me sleeping. Yes, we co sleep (for now). At this point I really don’t care what anyone thinks about that. I’m sure there will be some people who will shake their heads at that. But after all that I have experienced within a span of a week, I am so glad that my son is right next to me. I’ll sometimes just take a few seconds to just see him peacefully sleeping. I’ll give him a few kisses on his head. It brings me so much happiness and comfort to see him peacefully sleeping. Sometimes he’ll babble in his sleep. Or laugh. It’s something to witness it. But I digress.
I want to write this down as a record. I also write this down as part of MY healing process, and to reach any other mom going through.
My husband and I have been family planning since the beginning of the year. We felt it was time to try to have another child again. Our son was going to be two soon and we thought, when we have our next baby, he’ll then be three years old. It would be ideal. About 3-4 months into trying it happened. I was pregnant. It was even more special because I took a pregnancy test on my bday.
Coincidentally my mother in law and I share the same birthdate. We (husband and I) thought it would be the perfect day to announce our pregnancy, ON OUR BIRTHDATE. That day we had our immediate family and a couple of close friends over at my mother in laws place. I made a speech after the cake came out and announced our good news. We were having another baby. We cried happy tears and gave hugs.
It felt so surreal at first. It started to become more real once I contacted my OB Dr to start the ball rolling, and soon the nausea started to kick in. At the 8th week I saw my OB and got to see an early ultrasound of the baby. My little bean was already moving around at that period. Everything looked good.
I was already making plans with my husband about things we needed. Or ideas about our space and where the baby would sleep. I started to already have my rollercoaster of emotions. My toddler wasn’t completely grasping the idea yet. But I figured as the baby grew, my belly would grow and then he could feel the baby.
My first trimester was nearing to an end. I had my first trimester ultrasound scheduled and then the following day my OB visit scheduled. I noticed something was off last week Monday. I saw blood. If you know me, you know I google everything. I started to google, “spotting first trimester”. It was just mixed information. I had spotted with my first born, and it turned out to be a bacterial infection. Which cleared up with meds.
But by Tuesday afternoon, I was running to the washroom and more blood came out. It was as if I was getting my period. I panicked. I was at work and with tears in my eyes told our office coordinator what was going on. She suggested to take me to the ER. Thankfully and conveniently I work in a hospital. She walked me over to the ER. I just kept bleeding. No cramping. Just blood. My worst fears were coming true. I silently cried to myself. I composed myself when drs or nurses would come into my room.
Blood was drawn. An ultrasound was done. The results came back to confirm what I feared. I was 12 weeks pregnant, but the ultrasound showed the baby at 9 weeks with no heartbeat. They finally discharged me after 5 hours with a diagnosis of threatened miscarriage. I went back to my office and told my bosses about it. They were at a loss for words. I just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry. It just didn’t make sense to me. I had unanswered questions. The next day I already had my first trimester ultrasound scheduled. We made plans to have our son stay the night with his grandmother so my husband and I could go early in the morning to have it done.
A few weeks before I was so excited to see my baby. The day of the exam, I had already knew I was not going to see my baby. I had a slimmer of hope. But when they did the ultrasound it was just confirmed. The baby was no longer alive. For whatever reason, my baby stopped growing.
They took us to another room to confirm that the baby was gone. Shock and denial was starting to set in. When I saw my OB Dr the next day my options were discussed. I decided on a D&C. My Dr was supportive of whatever I decided. I did not want to wait another two weeks for the miscarriage to happen naturally. And I didn’t want to take medication and be at home in pain and bleeding. I had my toddler to think about and take care of.
My Dr scheduled me in for Friday morning, This was all happening so fast. One moment I am pregnant and planning for our 2nd born. Suddenly it was all gone. My baby was gone. It hurt so much then and now as I write this. I immediately realized I needed time off from work. I am blessed with my job, in that I can take up to 12 weeks off for any type of medical or family emergency. I was blessed enough to take 12 weeks of maternity leave for my first born. And instead of taking a maternity leave this time, I submitted a request to take time off for my sanity and healing.
The outpouring of love and just general concern for my husband and I, was needed. My family, friends and co workers were grieving with us. That meant and means so much to us.
I faced another fear that week. It was the first time I was put under general anesthesia. Thankfully my mother in law had my son spend the night with her so I can recover. It just started becoming more and more real. After it was done, it became real. My womb was empty once again. Hope was not lost. But grief was setting in. I have never cried so much in my life. It did not help, that as the anesthesia wore off, my body felt like crap.
It’s been a whole week. Today I had a really good day. My husband and I took our son to daycare. We went home, relaxed and had breakfast. We went out and had ice cream for lunch. I got to see a local celebrity at the ice-cream shop. It was nice. I thought, “wow, maybe the grief is starting to subside.” But out of nowhere the grief and loss showed up. I was at Costco with my mother in law, and excused myself to the washroom. The tears just started to flow.
This is a process. I realized it’s not going to be easy. This sucks on so many levels. But my hope is in my God. And God has given me a family and friends who have been pouring their love, prayers and support on us. That helps. Crying helps. Writing about this process has helped me. I hope writing about this can help other moms going through. I hope to write more about this as time goes by.
Just as I had shared the good news, I want to share this tragic news as a remembrance of our baby. And that I am not going to give up. I look at my husband and my son and I know my life is not over. I will never forget about our 2nd baby. I will try not to think about the what ifs, or a parallel universe where our baby made it. I’m living this life right now. This scripture comes to mind:
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
If you’ve been here where I am now, I welcome words of encouragement. If you’re going through your own trials, I pray you don’t give up. Cry until you can’t. Enjoy the moments when the sun does shine through. Hold your love ones close. Keep loving with all your might. And talk to others or find others who’ve been in the valley of the shadow of death.